My 2011 resolution

I am not sure why I thought I could go back to dieting and have it work 100% even though we are still in 2010.  I think I wanted to prove myself wrong that I could get a head start and be a few pounds lighter before I officially started the new year.  I was 500 calories over my 1700 calorie limit today and considering that I am bleeding from my vagina and havent had a good past few days I got miserable, upset and angry and decided to say fuck it and eat. Oh look, my chocolate from my stocking...hold on....mmm so good.

I have let food take over my life.  I really have.  I went to work today with my pre cooked/portioned snacks and was doing well until I decided I needed a crouton and then had 67.  So what's happening? what's going wrong?  It's all in my head.  On the way home from hanging out with Nicole, after just going out to dinner I kept thinking how badly I wanted to snack on some chips when I got home.  Then I see my calorie intake at the 1974 on the daily plate and I lost it. Internally.  My thought process was wow, u suck, u fail, mind as well just say svrew it until the new year.  Then I think, ok when it hits midnight it will be New Years Day...it will be 2011 so i should stop drinking...but will I?  To be honest, I really should.  I have to have dinner with the family and I want to workout in the morning so I def should stop drinking. 

Ever since I stopped dating ...him.. I think I have gained weight.  That's so bad, so pathetic, I should be hotter, hotter than EVER! So my 2011 resolution is to be 130 by summer, leaner, tighter and most important binge free, healthy meal eater, non snacking be able to live life without thinking about the next time I will eat...................................

Christmas 2010

I know I have a problem when last night I reach for cookies and my father looks at me and says, are you serious about going on a diet after Christmas?  but left out saying because you are looking pretty chunky.  Yes, I know, I get chunky VERY FAST, regardless of the facts vs. myths my body can put on weight like it's no ones business and it shouldn't be but since it's SO FAST everyone can see it!  You know it's also bad when you want to eat everything in the cupboard but are too scared of what mother and father will say because he has been in the kitched 90% of the time since I have been awake.  Really, I just want to binge it out this last day and then be done with it.  My goal is to never binge again- except on Thanksgiving, christmas eve and christmas day.  Those seem to be the 3 days in which I majorly can pig out.  I am not too concerned about getting back into working out, since I haven't worked out 2 days in a row.  What I am nervous about is the nutrition part.  I have never been good with sticking to it for long enough that I can keep the weight off for longer than 6 months. 

I am really looking forward to doing this though and I know the easier I can make it for myself the better I will be at sticking to it.  This means ALWAYS having food to work with and pre plan and make things.  For example, sunday I work at 1030 so my first meal will be at 9, at home.  More than likely something simple like Kashi cereal and some milk, but both measured out.  When I get to work I will probably have some coffee and then at 12 a lunch.  I have somke fish left from yesturday that I want to eat, I should probably pair that with something else though, maybe a piece of fruit and then maybe a 100 calorie pack brownies or cheezitz.  At 3 is when I will eat again, I plan on eatingh something like a turkey burger on arnold bread with a slice of weight watcher cheese and some carrots and maybe some almonds.  The next time I eat will be dinner with Brian and that hould work!

Don't worry, about a thing..

Bob Marley...you seriously soothe my soul.  I do not think I could ever feel a speck of worry or anxiety listening to your music.  So my last post was obviously about how I need to start eatingbetter and blah blah blah.  I think I need to change my mindset about this.  I went to the doctor and I was 145! Holy shit!! so basically I felt sorry for myself, man and angry and went to workwith the intention of not eating "bad" and then saw Ninja Jen eating cookies.  Jesus.  There's a whole box of home made cookies.  So what did I do?  Ate 50 of them and then worked out for 1.5 hours.  Then what did I do after that?  Went to GBCC and ate even more shit.  Then what did I do after that? Drank.  Needless to say, I didn't get anywhere with eating healthy and was about 143 this morning!  I have decided to let it go until Sunday.  Sunday is the day!! HAHA <-- how many times have I said this? except maybe using a different day of the week.  Redgardless, I know it's going to be hard to try and measure and weigh everything and yadda yadda, so I ahve decided to start this on Sunday rather than waiting until New Years.  That's too far away.  I will have a head start and by June I will be so banging hot I will want to fuck myself! haha

My plan:
* Drink lots of water, everyday! anything over 8 glasses I will be happy with!
* Keep sodium level down as much as possible
*Take multi vitamin and fish oils daily!
* Calorie count to a TEE!!! Measure hings, count things out, weigh things, this is where I go wrong because I know I under calculate, if I do this I know how many calories I will be consuming- I am going to try and go back to the 1500 non lift days and 1700 on lift days like JC had me doing and se ehow that works.  I don't want to go too low
*Eat every 3 hours! Plan EVERYTHING out!!!!
* Do not eat inbetween those 3 hours!

Can't I just be realistic?

Seriously, I don't understand why I set this ridiculous goals for myself and then actually believe I am going to achieve them!  For New Years this year my goal is to not set any goals! LMFAO.  The beggining of this week I told myself that for the next 12 days I wasn't going to have certain foods and the past two days I have, OMG, consumed the forbidden foods!!!!  I am relatively sure that the reason I forbid myself to eat them is because I know they are all frigger foods and when I eat one, I eat 67.  Croutons are the ultimate trigger food and for the love of God I will die from choking on one!  The only reason I said I wouldn't eat these fooods is because I am on a mission to lose the most amount of weight for NYE so I can look decent in a new outfit/dress.  I was at 139 today so as long as I get back on track tomorrow and don't consume 3000mg of sodium, I know I can achieve something great!

My major issue because I am Italian and love to eat is that I couldeat every hour on the hour if I knew I wasn't going to gain weight.  I am hungry every 3 hours, if I wait 4 hours it's either bc I am working and super busy or out boozing!   So my major focus needs to be to eat those every 3 hours so that I DON'T snack in between.  How do I accompkish this? buying my own food and having things with me like I used to do!  Why haven't I done it yet?  b/c I am seriously in debt bc someone has borrowed seriously $2200 and maybe a little bit more than that and I am afraid to buy myself food for fear of being in more damn debt! 

I know though that this is the ticket to eating more regularly though and I think once I get back into school it will be easier.  Until then I will still try my best each day but I am not going to restrict foods but I will manage them better by measuring them out, etc.

Time for serious

Facebook is just a world of greatness, sadness, stalking and seeing things maybe you don't want to see.  I came across a few pics of myself from my last adventures downtown and let me tell you, I was sort of disturbed by my physique.  For someone who works out as much as I do and lifts as much as I do, my back is so friggin wide I look like a damn line backer from behind! I so wish for a girlie physique and I am not sure how to obtain this.  When I was  avegetarian I was my smallest but everyone, after the fact, told me I was too small.  No one ever said anything when I was actually that size...except for Ashley actually.
 
Anyways, I really want to look a lot better this summer and be more toned and lean that I appear.  Maybe I am not choosing the most flattering shirts?  I know that spaghetti straps look awfulm it really draws attention to the broadness and this time I went out I wore a corset looking tank with thicker straps but still from behind I look redick! I don't know if I will ever stop being so critical of my own body but I do know I really need to start being more accurate with my calorie counting.  If I want to lose weight, I need to be much more accurate and weigh/measure evverything!

Nieve

I thought my days of being nieve and ridiculously, oh I don't even know what the fuck the word is but I just never learn.  I know I am one of those people that need to make the mistakes first, deny that I made them and then finally come to the realization that when I have enough proof to confirm I made a mistake that then and only then can I admit it.  My problem is I like living my life with no regrets so anything I do that I consider to be a mistake, I can't necessarily say that I regretted it, is that weird? I don't necessarily think so, but then again I don't think they are the same thing.  Let's see

 mistake is "an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc"(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mistake?&qsrc=).

 Regret is "to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc"(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/regret).

 

So ok, Good to know that just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I have to say I regretted it because I don't really feel sorrow or disappointed, I just feel like an asshole for making such a poor decision more than once...1600 later.. I'm really not 100% sure what the hell is going on, I feel really confused as to who I am really friends with and who I am not.  Are these people really who they say they are? Are they plotting this shit together? Should I trust anyone? Should I trust this will work out in the end?? I really so badly just want to believe that I am making too big a deal out of this but  when it comes to money, yes it is a big deal.  I have worked so fucking hard to have amazing credit, I have worked so fucking hard for the money I save and well eventually I guess I had to get fucked over? Karma's a bitch...oh yes it is

 

 

 

Birth Control

I seriously think sometimes I make myself crabby and toss myself in a crabby mood by forgetting to take my birth control.   Is it at all possible that by doubling up twicve in one week it could throw my hormones out of wack? What about taking the same pill for over a long period of time? I think I need a new option in this regards, I have been irritable yesturday and today.  Yesturday I made myself annoyed over my body, I seriously put the mirror in 74824794 different places and I looked different in each one and I felt fat and gross.  Then see a friend today and she lost 15 pounds from having her appendix taken out! WTF.  I just have been feeling really down on my own body lately and it really does take a toll on your brain.  I just want to punch people in the face or better yet, shoot my gun which hopefully I will get to do tomorrow ;)

I am also so sick of trying so hard with making my body look the waY I want it.  I see pics and feel likr my arms are too manly.  I look in the mirror and my body isn't as tight as it would be for someone who works out as often as I do.  Then I start to think, do I need to be a strict eater again?  Then I think, no b/c if I do that then where will I end up? This is the same cycle I have been struggling with for YEARS and I am still not looking any different than when I first started.  I feel like I am too muscular and manly and then last ngiht some guy told his friend not to dance with me because I am busted.  It made me really sad and it really crushed my self esteem.  I mean as soon as we walked outside we met 2 other guys but STILL.  I would be super happy being at 130 pounds and like a size smaller, I just feel like everything I put on lately makes me look fat and gross but I have serious trouble trying to eat better and control my food intake.. fml I want to go shoot my gun

Serious TMI

I don't exactly know when it all started, although I am pretty sure it was when I ended my consultations with my Fitness Professional over the internet b/c I was getting in over my head with bills I couldn't pay.  Needless to say, this was the first thing to go and yet I still don't think I am saving money.  Anyways, my eating habits went to shit, I binged ( a few times) and I have thought in my head more than once that I should just start vomitting. No, I never followed through, I could never do that knowing not only the awful effects but I wouold probably become dangerousy addicted end up in the hospital with no teeth and back at the same weight, possibly even fatter.  PASS.

Anyways, like a week ago I got this killer frickin stomach flu that had me shitting every 10 minutes and I thought to myself, as sick as it may sound "maybe I will shed a few pounds, sweet!" To my dismay I ended up with even more gas problems, bloating, stinky, and I feel like I gained 10 pounds! It has been this way since the stomach flu passed that I even bought GasX and Beano! My conclusion is that I consume too much sodium and fiber and am eating too much junk inbetween meals.  I have been trying to do this whole eat the "labeled bad" foods in moderation like if I want to eat fries at work I have been, we even got to try some new food today but ever since this stomach flu any excess sodium I am taking in starts to effect me right away and it's absurd.

I was driving home from work today seriously talking myself into just binging the rest of the day, thoughts like "just go home and eat some chips, you already feel bloated" "eat pizza later and then start over Saturday" "binge it out, there are onoy 2 days left in this logged week, you can start with a low sodium diet on monday" I can't believe these thigns go through my head and that I actually want to give in to them but this is exactly what I am trying to over come so why the fuck would I do all that and eat all that and then feel completely miserable if I wasn't miserable already for having a belly that makes me look 4 months pregnant!?!?

So I came home, went on my addictive facebook, made a few conmments, changed my shirt, took my tofu and walked over to work so I could make myself a salad.  Well if I wasn't already bloated, the crotuons and the salad itself actually made me feel WORSE!  So NOW I am home, and instead of eating everything in sight because I am so frustrated I decided to not eat anything and let my stomach recover and then do even better tomorrow! These are the steps to success!! I hope...

Good news, bad news

So apparantly I am more special to him than I though or Facebook does a good job at reminding people about birthdays and that maybe you should send a text my way? Regardless, he ended up texting me when I was passed out so I didn't even get a chance to talk to him, that was Sunday night and I still haven't heard from him.  This really blows, having to think about someone SO much when you probably shouldn't even be thinking about them AT ALL! Right? I mean I doubt he is even remotely close to thinking about me as much, don't you think if he WAS that he would throw a text my way every once in a few days? Nah, it's only been since THURSDAY since I have seen/ talked to him which makes it pretty much 5 days! That's insane! What is going on here?! What IS my life exactly? 

Well, right now my life is waiting to be picked up for a dinner date by a guy I pretty much molested all ngiht long downtown. Ok, well we just made out all night but it was pretty fun and he's a good kisser so that made it all the much better.  Matter of fact I remember getting up on the elevated small level of this bar to gander the bar and look for my friend and ended up dancing/making out with a guy named? Mike? Matt? whothe hell knows but I was super scared that the guy I was just making out with wouldn't see me so I tried to hide.  I am pretty sure that didn't work though bc his friend definitely saw me up there with this guy!  Oh well, I'm single and I can do what I want damn it!

Ok..so...a little facebook stalking and there's just one little reason why I never got any texts messages....FML I knew it was this

27 years young

Last night was a special night out on the town to celebrate the birth.  It was a blast! I danced, I kissed, I had the time of my life!  I do have to say, I love being single and even though I am afraid of living life alone and never having a family, I really love this life I live right now.  I had a lot of fun with the people that decided to go out and I am past being upset over people who didn't celebrate with me.  I had fun regardless and am glad the people who came did.  Let me say that the only dissapointment I experienced today on this day of birth is the lack of 1 person texting me or calling me to wish me such a fantastic day.  It sucks and its sort of pathetic that I am sad over this person considering the ridiculous circumstances we have together but it is sad and it does make me slightly upset.  Upset enough to lose sleep over, absolutely not but I was sort of hoping I was a little more special than that.  Regardless, I guess I didn't expect him to but was hoping by some little glimmer of hope that he would.  Haven't heard from him since Thursday, so wow yeah a whole 3 days of no communication.  How can you tell someone you know that you have an interest in someone but then not talk to them for 3 consecutive days? Well..I can think of a few reasons LMAO

So back to last night.  I took a shit load of pictures and I can't help but hate the way my body looks right now.  The shirt I was wearing bunched up at the stomach and so in some pics my stomach looks seriously awful and I hate it.  Basically, it wasn't very flattering in comparison to my over the knee boots and short skirt.  I am hoping that in less than a month I can look 10x better than that for New Years!!!!  I am about 140 right now I want to be 135 and shed some body fat and get a hot dress and look better!  I just need to work on my diet and it has been getting better, I am eating better, and hopefully by summer I will look bomb.

I think it's time for a little reflection, and make some goals for my next birthday.  I think that considering I am single I need to focus on me and do things that make me happy no one else.  I need to put a good effort into school and make that a priority.  I need to make sure I am always happy, I hate being stressed, I hate the way I feel when I am stressed.  I also need to work on my binge eating disorder, self diagnosed and keep folowing the steps of the program to recover completely!  I also think I am much les stressed when I feel confident.  When I am feelin sexy and confident I stress a lot less.  So I deifnitely want to make sure I work hard on looking good and keeping myself like that instead of constantly yo-yoing back and forth between doing bad and doing good.  Plan is to inforce the moderation techniques that most normal humans incorporate into their lives, but the binge part of me makes this hard because I am either all or none with things, it's always the extremes, so a goal would definitely be to stop doing that! I also want to make sure that I am just letting life happen how it's supposed to and taking the paths  life has carved out for me.  Instead of trying to MAKE things happen I just need to take life day by day.

Motivated by others

A friend of mine who just recently moved away started a blog to track her emotions and thoughts through her journey of a total weight loss goal of 208 pounds.  I am really proud of her for doing this and if she ever finds this blog I wish her the best of luck!  I am not sure if anyone I know will ever find this secret blog of mine but if they do I am sure they will find it quite intriguing. 

I have recently become single after dating a guy for over four years.  Crazy, I know.  Basically, I do not regret anything, but since I am bleeding out of my woman parts and my hormones are bouncin around like 2 year olds in a bounce house, I started to think about him on my way to the gym this morning.  I was 30 seconds away from texting his sister (we have been friends long before I even knew he existed) and asking her how he was doing but I am glad I never did.  I changed my number because I realized that I didn't want to be bothered with the ridiculous, pointless, nasty text messages I knew he would be sending me late at night while being intoxicated.  We egg each other on, we know how to push each others buttons and I knew if I didn't it would be extremely hard to move on.  Autumn, the dog I bought him, thinking we would be married and die together, I think about often and that is one ginormous lesson I have learned- don't ever buy your significant other an animal.  Do I wish at times that the ex and I still talked? of course I do.  Do I think it's a good idea at this point in our lives? No.  Will I always wonder about him? Absolutely.  Will I keep asking around to find out what he has been up to? No, I honestly am better off not knowing which is also another great reason for a phone number change.

All set aside, I am really enjoying life right now, besides being stressed out from school and family life.  I love going out and having a good time, meeting new people, making out with guys, you know the usual single life.  I have a few guys in my life that I hope stay there for some time, some more than others.  I can honestly say that I feel more like myself when I am single and life definitely throws individuals at you that you never expected to ever be in your life but they are there, and they aren't going anywhere and I don't want them to.  I have an idea in my head of what I would like things to be like but I don't expect anything, I don't want to have any negative thoughts toward anything but I also don't want to start trying to predict the future.  Even though I am going to be 27 on Sunday I am still young and am realizing that taking life day by day is better than stressing about what might happen next week.  I really do believe things happen for a reason, I have stopped trying to figure out what that reason is because eventually it comes out.  I am just havin fun being me and doing what I want, gettin A's in school, making school my number one priority so I can get an amazing job, and enjoy life forever!