Don't wait..

until everything is perfect, because it never will be.  So true! I think most of my posts are about the dismal experience I have trying to los weight and get smaller.  About how I can't seem to "get it right" or how I fail to eat healthy and then turn into a raging beast and tear through the fridge and cupboards eating evertything I want and obviously don't need.  I am not sure why I can't seem to find the trail that will lead me to being 130 pounds, super hot and sexy.  The trail...is the eating trail.  Nothing else, it really is all about eating for me, I have a seriously hard time dealing with feeling hungry.  I averaged 2000 calories the past week, that needs to be down to 1600 at the end of next week.  First week showed me that Thursday I have a hard time not eating the snacks at GBCC.  This wil be taken care of when I am done there but until now I must figure out a way to avoid them.  I also found out for the 50th time that trying to reduce calorie intake for alcohol intake NEVER works.  Friday I tried to do that and I ended up over eating and snacking bc I was hungry.  Saturday I just felt like a complete and utter failure bc of the previoud 2 days and so I ended up consuming about 3000 calories.

Now it's sunday and the beginning of a new week, I am currently STILL debating on whether or not to go to the gym and do some cardio.  I really should bc I def need to eat too, if I work at 4 I would want to eat at 330, so get there at 315, be done working out at 245, Johnny motivator said to do 30 min of cardio 6x per week.  Doesn't seem like a lot at all. If I do 45 toda I would have  to get to the gym at 2 leave at 130 so I pretty much better get my butt moving but also I want to do progress pics today...ugh...I really don't want to do..but I need to.....

My 2011 resolution

I am not sure why I thought I could go back to dieting and have it work 100% even though we are still in 2010.  I think I wanted to prove myself wrong that I could get a head start and be a few pounds lighter before I officially started the new year.  I was 500 calories over my 1700 calorie limit today and considering that I am bleeding from my vagina and havent had a good past few days I got miserable, upset and angry and decided to say fuck it and eat. Oh look, my chocolate from my stocking...hold on....mmm so good.

I have let food take over my life.  I really have.  I went to work today with my pre cooked/portioned snacks and was doing well until I decided I needed a crouton and then had 67.  So what's happening? what's going wrong?  It's all in my head.  On the way home from hanging out with Nicole, after just going out to dinner I kept thinking how badly I wanted to snack on some chips when I got home.  Then I see my calorie intake at the 1974 on the daily plate and I lost it. Internally.  My thought process was wow, u suck, u fail, mind as well just say svrew it until the new year.  Then I think, ok when it hits midnight it will be New Years Day...it will be 2011 so i should stop drinking...but will I?  To be honest, I really should.  I have to have dinner with the family and I want to workout in the morning so I def should stop drinking. 

Ever since I stopped dating ...him.. I think I have gained weight.  That's so bad, so pathetic, I should be hotter, hotter than EVER! So my 2011 resolution is to be 130 by summer, leaner, tighter and most important binge free, healthy meal eater, non snacking be able to live life without thinking about the next time I will eat...................................

Christmas 2010

I know I have a problem when last night I reach for cookies and my father looks at me and says, are you serious about going on a diet after Christmas?  but left out saying because you are looking pretty chunky.  Yes, I know, I get chunky VERY FAST, regardless of the facts vs. myths my body can put on weight like it's no ones business and it shouldn't be but since it's SO FAST everyone can see it!  You know it's also bad when you want to eat everything in the cupboard but are too scared of what mother and father will say because he has been in the kitched 90% of the time since I have been awake.  Really, I just want to binge it out this last day and then be done with it.  My goal is to never binge again- except on Thanksgiving, christmas eve and christmas day.  Those seem to be the 3 days in which I majorly can pig out.  I am not too concerned about getting back into working out, since I haven't worked out 2 days in a row.  What I am nervous about is the nutrition part.  I have never been good with sticking to it for long enough that I can keep the weight off for longer than 6 months. 

I am really looking forward to doing this though and I know the easier I can make it for myself the better I will be at sticking to it.  This means ALWAYS having food to work with and pre plan and make things.  For example, sunday I work at 1030 so my first meal will be at 9, at home.  More than likely something simple like Kashi cereal and some milk, but both measured out.  When I get to work I will probably have some coffee and then at 12 a lunch.  I have somke fish left from yesturday that I want to eat, I should probably pair that with something else though, maybe a piece of fruit and then maybe a 100 calorie pack brownies or cheezitz.  At 3 is when I will eat again, I plan on eatingh something like a turkey burger on arnold bread with a slice of weight watcher cheese and some carrots and maybe some almonds.  The next time I eat will be dinner with Brian and that hould work!

Don't worry, about a thing..

Bob Marley...you seriously soothe my soul.  I do not think I could ever feel a speck of worry or anxiety listening to your music.  So my last post was obviously about how I need to start eatingbetter and blah blah blah.  I think I need to change my mindset about this.  I went to the doctor and I was 145! Holy shit!! so basically I felt sorry for myself, man and angry and went to workwith the intention of not eating "bad" and then saw Ninja Jen eating cookies.  Jesus.  There's a whole box of home made cookies.  So what did I do?  Ate 50 of them and then worked out for 1.5 hours.  Then what did I do after that?  Went to GBCC and ate even more shit.  Then what did I do after that? Drank.  Needless to say, I didn't get anywhere with eating healthy and was about 143 this morning!  I have decided to let it go until Sunday.  Sunday is the day!! HAHA <-- how many times have I said this? except maybe using a different day of the week.  Redgardless, I know it's going to be hard to try and measure and weigh everything and yadda yadda, so I ahve decided to start this on Sunday rather than waiting until New Years.  That's too far away.  I will have a head start and by June I will be so banging hot I will want to fuck myself! haha

My plan:
* Drink lots of water, everyday! anything over 8 glasses I will be happy with!
* Keep sodium level down as much as possible
*Take multi vitamin and fish oils daily!
* Calorie count to a TEE!!! Measure hings, count things out, weigh things, this is where I go wrong because I know I under calculate, if I do this I know how many calories I will be consuming- I am going to try and go back to the 1500 non lift days and 1700 on lift days like JC had me doing and se ehow that works.  I don't want to go too low
*Eat every 3 hours! Plan EVERYTHING out!!!!
* Do not eat inbetween those 3 hours!

Can't I just be realistic?

Seriously, I don't understand why I set this ridiculous goals for myself and then actually believe I am going to achieve them!  For New Years this year my goal is to not set any goals! LMFAO.  The beggining of this week I told myself that for the next 12 days I wasn't going to have certain foods and the past two days I have, OMG, consumed the forbidden foods!!!!  I am relatively sure that the reason I forbid myself to eat them is because I know they are all frigger foods and when I eat one, I eat 67.  Croutons are the ultimate trigger food and for the love of God I will die from choking on one!  The only reason I said I wouldn't eat these fooods is because I am on a mission to lose the most amount of weight for NYE so I can look decent in a new outfit/dress.  I was at 139 today so as long as I get back on track tomorrow and don't consume 3000mg of sodium, I know I can achieve something great!

My major issue because I am Italian and love to eat is that I couldeat every hour on the hour if I knew I wasn't going to gain weight.  I am hungry every 3 hours, if I wait 4 hours it's either bc I am working and super busy or out boozing!   So my major focus needs to be to eat those every 3 hours so that I DON'T snack in between.  How do I accompkish this? buying my own food and having things with me like I used to do!  Why haven't I done it yet?  b/c I am seriously in debt bc someone has borrowed seriously $2200 and maybe a little bit more than that and I am afraid to buy myself food for fear of being in more damn debt! 

I know though that this is the ticket to eating more regularly though and I think once I get back into school it will be easier.  Until then I will still try my best each day but I am not going to restrict foods but I will manage them better by measuring them out, etc.

Time for serious

Facebook is just a world of greatness, sadness, stalking and seeing things maybe you don't want to see.  I came across a few pics of myself from my last adventures downtown and let me tell you, I was sort of disturbed by my physique.  For someone who works out as much as I do and lifts as much as I do, my back is so friggin wide I look like a damn line backer from behind! I so wish for a girlie physique and I am not sure how to obtain this.  When I was  avegetarian I was my smallest but everyone, after the fact, told me I was too small.  No one ever said anything when I was actually that size...except for Ashley actually.
 
Anyways, I really want to look a lot better this summer and be more toned and lean that I appear.  Maybe I am not choosing the most flattering shirts?  I know that spaghetti straps look awfulm it really draws attention to the broadness and this time I went out I wore a corset looking tank with thicker straps but still from behind I look redick! I don't know if I will ever stop being so critical of my own body but I do know I really need to start being more accurate with my calorie counting.  If I want to lose weight, I need to be much more accurate and weigh/measure evverything!

Nieve

I thought my days of being nieve and ridiculously, oh I don't even know what the fuck the word is but I just never learn.  I know I am one of those people that need to make the mistakes first, deny that I made them and then finally come to the realization that when I have enough proof to confirm I made a mistake that then and only then can I admit it.  My problem is I like living my life with no regrets so anything I do that I consider to be a mistake, I can't necessarily say that I regretted it, is that weird? I don't necessarily think so, but then again I don't think they are the same thing.  Let's see

 mistake is "an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc"(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mistake?&qsrc=).

 Regret is "to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc"(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/regret).

 

So ok, Good to know that just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I have to say I regretted it because I don't really feel sorrow or disappointed, I just feel like an asshole for making such a poor decision more than once...1600 later.. I'm really not 100% sure what the hell is going on, I feel really confused as to who I am really friends with and who I am not.  Are these people really who they say they are? Are they plotting this shit together? Should I trust anyone? Should I trust this will work out in the end?? I really so badly just want to believe that I am making too big a deal out of this but  when it comes to money, yes it is a big deal.  I have worked so fucking hard to have amazing credit, I have worked so fucking hard for the money I save and well eventually I guess I had to get fucked over? Karma's a bitch...oh yes it is